I’ve been thinking about happiness lately and I’ve noticed that thinking about happiness has become big business. There are courses on happiness at universities, there are books on happiness, there are podcasts on happiness – happiness, or at least theories of happiness, are everywhere. This doesn’t mean there are a lot of happy people, it just means there are a lot of people talking and writing about people who are happy. And maybe those people doing the talking and writing are happy because they have a job studying happy people, but that’s probably the subject for yet another study.

I can’t say that I’ve read all the books or listened to all the podcasts or taken all the courses on happiness. Frankly, I can’t say I’ve read any of the books or listened to any of the podcasts or taken any of the courses – but I know they’re out there so that must count for something. What I can say is that I have been struggling to answer two questions about happiness.

These aren’t profound questions. Some might think they are shallow questions, but that doesn’t mean they’re not important. The two questions are: Why do we measure our happiness against animals? And why two particular animals?

Let me be specific. Many of you have heard the expressions “happy as a clam” and “happy as a pig in…” and here you can fill in the thing that the pig is in which could be “mud” or it could be “shit” but it’s one of those two – or some minor variant thereof.

But how do we know clams are happy? They don’t have mouths, they can’t smile, they don’t purr and they all look the same. I can’t tell a happy clam from a suicidal clam. And why do we think pigs are happy when they’re rolling around in muck or, more particularly, shit? And whose shit are they rolling around in anyway?

And why clams and pigs? (I know I said two questions, but it looks like there are more than two, sorry). Clams and pigs seem to be incredibly culturally specific references. Focusing happiness on clams and pigs automatically shuts those millions and millions and millions of people in the world for whom clams and pigs are seen as unclean – not wishing to disparage clams and pigs or suggest that they don’t practice proper clam and pig hygiene – but that they are unclean in a religious sense. And is the elevation of clams and pigs as the sine qua non of happiness just another example of the British colonial structure imposing itself on the world? And have I somehow now moved from shallow questions to really big, profound questions?

Since I am now clearly out of my depth let me turn to practical happiness, something I do know a bit about. If you’re interested having a happy time in Toronto in the coming days, might I suggest coming to see Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room. We are an ensemble whose sole purpose is to bring happiness and joy to those within earshot of our music. And you can get within earshot of our music on Sunday, May 18, when we will be playing at the Free Times Café (College just west of Spadina). We will be playing wildly eclectic sets of music in a variety of styles, and even if every song is not a happy song, it will all make for a happy evening. And making it even happier is the fact that Monday is a holiday and so you can stay up late and hear the whole show. And as a special incentive, and to encourage more and more people to be happy, there will be no cover, ’cause that’s just the kind of folks we are.

The show starts at 8pm and I hope to see you there.

Jonathan

PS. Bagpipes and happiness, can they coexist? Discuss.

As regular readers of these missives will know by now, January 25 is Robbie Burns Day – and this year, to make it even more special, January 25 falls on a Saturday (and for at least one great idea for how to celebrate on this day, keep reading).

As special and wonderful as Robbie Burns Day is, it’s clearly not in the pantheon of the big holidays. This is an injustice that cries out to be remedied. But how can this be done? Thanks for asking. My suggestion is to have a mascot be the face of Robbie Burns Day.

I know what all the Burns purists will say – Robert Burns is Scotland’s greatest poet, his work is celebrated around the globe, how can we even think trivializing the stature of this great man by making a mascot the face of his day, blah, blah, blah. And I have two words for people holding that opinion. Jesus. Christ.

Think about it. The holidays associated with Jesus are the biggest bar none. Everything stops on Christmas Day (other than the radio stations in the midst of their three months of all Christmas music playlists) and then again just a few months later on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. But if you ask most people in North America who they associate with Christmas, the first name you’ll get is Santa Claus. And if you ask the same question to people about Easter, the first name that comes up isn’t even a person, it’s the Easter Bunny. So, it takes a fat guy in a red suit and a rabbit to put that Jesus fellow at number one on the holiday charts and I figure if it’s good enough for Jesus it should damn well be good enough for Robbie Burns.

As for who or what should be the symbol of Robbie Burns Day I don’t know – I’m the big ideas guy, I leave the details to other folks – isn’t that what thought leaders do (whatever a thought leader is).

As promised earlier however, I can provide a great way to celebrate Robbie Burns Day if you live in and around Toronto (or if you want to drive or fly in from wherever in the world you happen to be). What you want to do is make your way over to the Free Times Café (still located on College just west of Spadina), where Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room will once again be presenting our Robbie Burns Night extravaganza.

For those unfamiliar with this extravaganza (and I think the word extravaganza barely captures the scale of the evening) let me describe it to you. It begins at around 8:00 with what I call the Musical Portion featuring a subset of the Living Room delivering a wonderful selection of tunes that are sure to delight you. At some point after 9:00 the music will be replaced by the screeching and howling of bagpipes and drums coming in from the cold which will symbolize the beginning of the second part of the evening which is best described as The Bagpipe and Haggis portion.

As the name suggests, this part features lots and lots and lots of songs with bagpipes and, when the bagpipes aren’t playing, haggis (which for those unfamiliar with it is allegedly a food that you can, but are not required, to consume). And if all that is not enough, there will also be some Burns recitations and highland dancing too.

Burns Night at the Free Times is always a big deal and so I would suggest if you want to get a good seat, or frankly any seat, you may want to get there a bit before 8:00. Incredibly, because Robbie Burns was a man of the people (I’m making this up, but it could be true) there is no cover charge but suggestions for a mascot for Burns Day are welcome.

Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. And I need to be clear about the lots and lots and lots of bagpipes during the second part of the evening, I really do mean it – so consider yourself warned (or perhaps intrigued).

These are very dark times indeed. And I don’t mean this metaphorically, (although that may well be true) but literally – the days are getting shorter and the nights are getting longer and this will continue until the winter solstice when things will ever so slowly start to improve (I do recognize that for those of you living in the southern hemisphere – and I know you’re out there – this isn’t the case, but bear with me).

In these dark times, my mind turns to dark topics. Specifically, I have developed an unhealthy obsession with the zombie apocalypse. Looking at that last sentence, I realize it suggests that there is such a thing as a healthy obsession with the zombie apocalypse but to be clear, there isn’t.

My specific concern with the zombie apocalypse is that I don’t think I’ll be of much use (I know, why is it always about me). I just don’t see a big role for lawyers during this period. I suppose I could defend zombies, if people arrested them and put them on trial rather than just killing them with guns and baseball bats – but I don’t recall watching any legal dramas set during this pretend time. And given that zombies don’t have brains, I don’t know how I would take instructions from my clients (and before people correct me, I note that research shows that apparently zombies do have brains – there are a number of academic papers on that subject – who says a university education isn’t practical).

As I was getting more and more depressed about how little I could contribute to this dystopian universe, I was buoyed by the realization that there was indeed a role for me, and that was as a minstrel. There’s always need for music and song, even during a zombie apocalypse, perhaps even more so during such troubled times. And then I realized that not only could I be a minstrel, but I could be part of a minstrel troupe, like, for example, Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room – the band to whom I owe a deep allegiance (this is not to suggest that the other members of the group do not have useful zombie apocalypse fighting skills because I’m sure they do).

And this then takes me, as it inevitably and inexorably does, to Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room’s next gig – which will be Sunday, December 8 starting at 8 pm at the venerable Free Times Café (still firmly ensconced on College, west of Spadina). This show, in true minstrel fashion, will be our ever-popular all-request holiday show. Yes, you get to pick the songs we play. To be clear, we’re not playing any song you’d like (for example we’re not going to do Zombie by the Cranberries whose chorus goes – in part – “In your head, in your head/Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie”) but you can choose from over 330 songs. Just go to https://www.galr.ca/vote/ and make your choices – as many or as few as you’d like. And even if you can’t make the show, please vote. But do visit the site soon because polling closes at noon on Wednesday, December 4 (we need time to remember how to play some of these songs).

To celebrate the holiday season, and the fact that we are not actually in the midst of a zombie apocalypse (although the results of some recent elections around the world suggest that the zombies may have found a new way to take over) there will be no cover.

Hope to see you soon.

Jonathan

P.S. Opinion is divided on whether bagpipes are a zombie’s favourite instrument (because, you know, they don’t have brains) or their least favourite instrument (because, you know, the caterwauling).

As an avid reader of the business pages of the newspaper (because that’s usually where the comics are – you see there is a reason to read newspapers), I noticed the continuing concern about the rising cost of groceries. Recently, as I was turning the pages to get to the comics, I saw an article that said that an answer to this dilemma may be coming courtesy of our overlords at Loblaws Inc. It turns out Loblaws is going to be piloting a new brand of store under the No Name banner.

I need to pause here to note what seems to be obvious – that if you call a store No Name then it isn’t a no name store because it now has a name. Some of you may recall the band America’s first hit in the 1970s was a Neil Young sound alike tune called “Horse With No Name” (and if you haven’t heard it, don’t bother). In the song the singer sings “I went to the desert on a horse with no name” not “I went to the desert on a horse named No Name” because that would be stupid.

Anyway, the premise behind these new grocery stores is that they will offer significantly lower prices. How are they going to accomplish that? It appears that the main part of the strategy is to offer fewer items. While the average grocery store has over 8,000 different items and the average Loblaws No Frills store has 7,000 items, these No Name named stores (or named No Name stores if you prefer) will only have 1,300 items. The message seems pretty clear – choice is expensive.

We here at Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room, the band that I am fiercely proud to be part of, challenge that assumption every time we strap on our instruments and play to our adoring, or at least mildly tolerant, fans. It’s clear that if we were owned by Loblaws we would be a one- or two-person group playing the same 10 or 15 songs over and over again but that’s not how we roll. The Living Room features a plethora of musicians (and by plethora we’re talking between 8 to 10). And this plethora of musicians chooses from literally hundreds of songs when we create the set lists for our shows. I am proud to say that we have never played the same set twice in the 20 years that we have been plying our trade – there is always something new and exciting for the discerning listener, or even the less discerning listener.

And, in addition to all that, the cost of seeing Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room and experiencing our great variety of music has remained the same for 20 years. Yes, despite the ravages of inflation we have kept the cost of seeing the band low – so low in fact that we never charge a cover at all (this does suggest however that we have somehow missed an essential element behind the notion of plying a trade – which is the trade part – we seem to have the ply part down).

So, if you want to see what it’s like to have a cornucopia of choice in music but not break the bank – hell, not even threaten the bank – please come to see us at our next show on Sunday, October 6th, at the venerable Free Times Café, still located on College St. west of Spadina (if you do want to spend some money on food and drink however the staff at the Free Times will be happy to oblige). The show starts at 8 and we hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. I should note we have also featured the bagpipes at our shows for 20 years and that might explain why we are reluctant to charge anyone to see us.

I have noticed a disturbing trend recently of people holding up their opinions as articles of faith and refusing to engage with those who hold differing opinions. I try my best not to fall into this trap. Let me give you an example…

It is my firmly held opinion (as some of you know) that the song ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel is the worst song ever written. If I could condemn one song to the pits of hell and ban it from ever being played it would be Piano Man. I do understand, however, that this is just my opinion. Other folks might have a different song that they think is the worst ever (take a minute to give this some thought – if your answer is something other than Piano Man, feel free to email me). There are even some people, who quite like Piano Man. And while I don’t understand how this can be, I recognize that people are entitled to their opinions and it’s not as if I refuse to socialize with someone who likes Piano Man because, after all, reasonable people can differ in their opinions.

On the other hand, we must avoid a world that is so relativistic that there is no such thing as truth. There are things that are true and that are not matters of opinion. And let me give you an example of this; Poppy seed bagels are truly better than sesame seed bagels. This is not a matter of opinion it is the truth. Similarly, Montreal style bagels are objectively the best bagels in the world and thus superior to New York and Toronto style bagels (I realize that bagels can be purchased in places other than Montreal, New York and Toronto, but if for example you go to a bakery in Saskatoon they will not say they are selling Saskatoon style bagels, but rather Montreal or New York style bagels – and no one outside of Toronto talks about Toronto style bagels).

So, to review, Piano Man is the worst song ever written, but that is a matter of opinion, and your opinion is as valid as mine. On the other hand, Montreal style poppy seed bagels are objectively, truthfully and absolutely the best bagels in the world.

What relevance, you may wonder, does any of this have to Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room, the band of which I am a member, and who will be playing at the Free Times Café (on College just west of Spadina), on Sunday June 23rd starting at 8 pm. And the answer is, everything.

If you have seen the band live (or watched our videos on YouTube) you’ll know we are an ensemble of 8 – 10 musicians. During a show most of us will take turns singing songs that we like. As a result, we have a wildly eclectic mix of music, stretching from the 1940s (and earlier) to the present day. Some of the songs are originals, some covers, some well-known, some obscure.

During the course of a gig some members of the audience will like certain songs more than others, that’s a matter of opinion – and that’s fine because everyone has their own opinion. At the end of the evening, however, everyone will agree that they had a great time – and that is objectively true.

We’re going to be taking most of the summer off so this is your only chance to see us before our next show in September (on the 15th if you want to make a note) and so there will be no cover, just bring your opinions. Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

PS. Although it hardly needs to be said, it is objectively true that the bagpipes are the Piano Man of instruments.

Regular readers of these missives (I was going to use the term ‘aficionados’ or ‘devotees’ but I thought that might be pushing things) will know that they usually follow a particular narrative arc (I do like ‘narrative arc’ it sounds so much better than ‘formula.’) The emails usually begin with an interesting observation about popular culture, politics, or technology, then have some tangential strolls down fascinating alleyways, perhaps some very cursory Internet research (or just making stuff up), and then tying it all up in a nice bow by linking it to the latest gig from Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room. There is also often a postscript that pokes some light fun at the bagpipes (although some disagree about the term ‘light fun’ but we’ll leave that for another day).

But while that may be the narrative arc of most of these missives, that’s not what’s happening this time because I have a lot of important information to impart about our next gig and I need to get to it right away (and it is fair to note that if I really needed to get to things right away why haven’t I got to whatever it is I’m getting to, but bear with me, we’re there now).

Our next show is our wildly popular (I understand that ‘wildly popular’ is a relative term, but certainly, in relation to our other shows, this one clearly deserves the designation) Robbie Burns Night gig which, for the first time since 2020, will be returning to the live stage at the Free Times Café. That’s right, after three years of virtual Burns Night shows we’re going back live!

Please note that the show will be on Thursday January 25th because that is Robbie Burns’ birthday. We’re not sticklers for lots of things, but we do insist that Burns Night be celebrated on Burns Night – none of this ‘let’s find the most nearly adjacent Saturday to January 25th and call it Burns Night’ no, we’re going to do it right by celebrating on his birthday.

Over the years (and we started these shows in 2004 so it’s been a lot of years) Burns Night has evolved and so I think it’s necessary to set out what have become the three distinctive elements to our live Burns Night extravaganza (once you read all about it, I think you’ll find that ‘extravaganza’ may be too modest a term).

First, at around 8.30pm, a smaller subset of the larger Living Room ensemble will be playing tunes of the non-bagpipe variety. I refer to this part of the evening as the musical portion to distinguish it from what happens after the arrival of the bagpipes.

Second, is the arrival of the bagpipes and the other members of the band (and because it’s the arrival of the bagpipes you’ll know when that happens), followed by the bringing in of the haggis from the kitchen, where it has been marinating, fulminating, contemplating, and rusticating for hours. Following the arrival of the haggis there is the mandatory address to the haggis (and yes, the haggis does wear a dress but its preferred pronouns are ‘they’ and ‘them’). Finally, this portion of the evening concludes with the consumption of the haggis by the delighted guests – although we’re not forcing it on anyone and if you don’t want haggis there are still neeps and tatties to eat. This portion of the evening will start between 9:30 and 10:00 – it’s impossible to know for sure because bagpipes have a unique and quirky sense of time.

The final part of the evening consists of tunes, most, if not all of which, will feature the bagpipes playing in dizzyingly wide array of genres, as well as some highland dancing. The whole thing will probably wrap up a bit after 11 (but time will have no meaning by this point).

It’s been a while since we’ve done a live Burns Night, but if my recollection holds, there’s a lot of interest in the show (because you know, free haggis) and so you’ll probably want to get there early to get a good seat and also to hear the musical portion of the evening. There is another event at the Free Times before Burns Night so the doors won’t open for our show until around 8:00.

For those who may have forgotten, the Free Times Café is still located on College just west of Spadina, and to celebrate our return to the stage for Burns Night there will be no cover (all that and free haggis – wow!!!!)

Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. Not that any further incentives should be required to bring people out to the gig but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Bert Clarke, bass player number 3 of the 5 who have plied their trade with us, will be joining us for a one time only reunion and Stephanie Miletic, the first of our fiddlers, will be joining us for her first show since the birth of her child (the child of course will not be at the show because, well, bagpipes).

William Shakespeare was an inquisitive guy. Think about it, “To be or not to be?” “Hark what light from yonder window breaks?” And the one I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, “What’s in a name?”

And before I get too into this last question, I’m guessing that little Billy Shakespeare probably bothered everyone around him asking tons of questions when he was a kid. Things like, “Prithee, why is the sky this particular shade of cerulean?” Or perhaps, “Verily if one doth burpeth and farteth at the same time is it true that one will die before the morrow, if not immediately?” He must have been a handful.

To get back to the “What’s in a name” question; the reason I’ve been thinking about it is because of an article I read recently. Apparently, the Queen’s Engineering Faculty received a $100 million donation. That’s right, $100 million or to put fully numerically, $100,000,000 – that’s a lot of zeros following the 1.

The person who gave this donation got the right to name the entire Engineering Faculty. Yep, not just naming a building, or a lecture hall, or a bunch of study carrels, or washroom stalls, but naming the whole darn faculty. And this is where my concern arises. You see the person who made this massive donation is named Stephen Smith, and when given the opportunity to rename the entire faculty he chose the name Smith Engineering.

Now I’m not suggesting that there’s anything wrong with the name Smith, it’s a perfectly fine name but it’s hardly unique. Not only is it not unique, Smith is, in fact, the most common last name in all of Canada. As it turns out, slightly more than 1 in 200 people have the last name Smith (and I know that’s true because I looked it up online and Google would never lie to me). And this is where the problem arises.

There are 5,000 students currently enrolled at Smith Engineering. That means, if 1 in 200 has the last name Smith, then there are 25 current students in the program who can all pretend that they or their father or their uncle or their aunt or someone related to them made the donation and created Smith Engineering. And there are over 28,000 students at Queens altogether meaning that 140 of them could plausibly claim that the faculty was named after one of their kith or kin. And that’s not counting all the alumni.

Even more problematic, when the real Stephen Smith, or his relations, walk along the grounds of Queen’s to Smith Engineering and proudly say “I (or my dad, uncle, bubbe, whatever) gave this donation to the Engineering Department, people would be right to be skeptical. “Sure, Mr. Moneybags, how do we know it was you – it could have been anyone, or at least anyone named Smith.” And since there are 38,000,000 people in Canada that means the donor could credibly be any one of 190,000 people.

This “What’s in a name” conundrum makes me glad that we settled on Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room as our name when we started out in the music biz 53 years ago. Now it’s true that we have not accrued $100 million in earnings, but on the other hand, no one is going to confuse us with any other band on the planet (and that seems like a fair trade off).

We will next be treading the boards at the Free Times Café (College just west of Spadina) on Sunday, November 19. There will be at least nine of us on stage, so pretty much the full band (at our September show there were five of us and a special guest so we were perhaps more Gordon’s Acoustic Mud Room than Living Room). And by “full band” I do mean that the bagpipes will be back – just thought I should warn you.

And as a special treat, there will be no cover because our very own flute, saxophone, and guitar playing singer Wayne Smith (no relation to Stephen Smith – or maybe he is related to a Stephen Smith but not that Stephen Smith – or who knows, maybe he is related to that Stephen Smith) has asked that it be waived. He’s not covering your food and drinks though, he’s not made of money (or maybe he is, after all he’s a Smith).

Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. I thought I should remind/warn folks that January 25 – Robbie Burns Day – is on a Thursday this year and we are planning to celebrate it back at the Free Times. So as that all-bagpipe night creeps ever closer let us remember the words of the immortal Bard “Hark, what caterwauling doth emerge from that café, it is the bagpipes, and they make a truly unholy racket” (or words to that effect).

Despite the ubiquitous references in all manner of TV shows and movies, I was never asked, on my first day back at school, what I did over my summer vacation. In fact, I don’t ever recall a teacher ever showing the slightest interest in any aspect of my life outside of school. Perhaps others of you actually had a “what I did on my summer vacation” experience but not me. I don’t think I missed anything, but I thought I’d use this occasion to tell you, dear readers, one of the things I did this summer.

Over the past few months, I spent some time contemplating the difficult and challenging question of determining the essence of Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room – the band that I am a member of. One of the reasons that I had this opportunity was that the band took a hiatus over the summer and so I could ponder these bigger questions as opposed to how to play an A7sus chord on the mandolin, the sort of practical question that often take up time as we prepare for our gigs.

As regular readers of these missives will know, and as those who have actually seen us live or on video can attest, we are, when we are at full strength, a 10-piece ensemble. But we are also nothing if not flexible, and so on occasion we have operated as a nine, eight, seven and even on occasion, a six-piece group. During my contemplative time I pondered the question “Is there a number below which the Living Room would no longer be the Living Room, and if so what would that number be?” To take it to the extreme, if one member of the band was doing a solo show, could that be seen as a Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room show? What about if one member of the band did a show with nine other people, none of whom were members of the band, could that 10-piece group be the Living Room or would it be something else entirely? These are weighty questions.

One reason I was thinking about these issues is because at our upcoming show on Sunday, September 10th, yes the second not the third Sunday of the month, we will be performing as a six piece with a special guest. And no, the special guest won’t be Sting, even though he is playing in Toronto this week. I don’t want to get into the complicated history we have with Sting, there is a non-disclosure agreement in place and I may have said too much already.

The other reason I’ve been thinking about the essence of the band is because one of the people who will not be present is Rory Gus Sinclair – our bagpipe player. As far as I know, this will be the first gig in our 53-year or so history where Gus will not be present. Don’t worry, he’s perfectly fine, he’s just decided to take a few months to travel across Canada and the US with Mary, his partner. It’s kind of an Easy Rider thing but with a camper van rather than motorcycles and also a happier ending. Gus’s current exploits are further proof, if any was needed, that 70 is indeed the new 20.

What this means is that there will be no bagpipes played at our show, which will be a first for the Living Room. I want to reassure folks that there will be at least one pipe tune played, but it won’t be played on the bagpipes (something that I personally think is a great leap forward).

There are a couple other things about the show that I want to alert people to. It will, of course, be at the legendary Free Times Café (College just west of Spadina). Due to a film festival event being held at the Free Times, doors for the show won’t be opening until just before eight. We’ll get started around 8:15 and don’t worry, it will all wrap up before 11. And because of all these changes, there will be no cover.

Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. For those who feel a Living Room show isn’t really a Living Room show without the bagpipes, Gus has agreed to play a medley of pipe tunes on Sunday at 8 pm Eastern Time wherever the hell he is, just as if he were at the Free Times – and it’s possible that if he’s a only five or six hundred kilometres away, and you listen real hard, you might be able to hear them.

Spring is finally here!

One of the lovely markers of spring is hearing the whistling of birds in the trees. I will admit that there are occasions when birds start whistling at ungodly hours in the morning, and this can be annoying. I also recognize that the term “ungodly hour” does not describe a precise time of day. For some it might be 5 in the morning, for others 9 in the morning, and for others still, it might not even be the morning at all but rather the afternoon. Whenever your ungodly hour, the whistling of birds at that time can be a drag. On the other hand, it is still birds whistling and that sound always has its charms. While I’m on this topic, that topic being whistling birds, because I’m going to be pivoting a bit on the topic in the next few paragraphs, it is important to distinguish between birds whistling and other sounds that birds make – for example the cawing of crows. Crows cawing is not a soothing sound at any time of day. This may be why a large aggregation of crows is sometimes referred to as a murder of crows because murdering the crows is what people might want to do after hearing them cawing.

But back to whistling. Birds are not the only animal that whistles, people whistle too. I think whistling is great. There are folks who are professional whistlers and can amaze you with their skill, but you don’t need to be one of those people to enjoy whistling. I often find myself whistling as I’m walking down the street, running errands, or doing whatever.

I will admit that I didn’t begin whistling regularly until 10 or 15 years ago. Rather than whistling, I used to just sing snippets of songs that came into my head – and I can tell you there are a lot of those snippets hanging out in my head. In most cases I had no idea those snippets were even there and then suddenly I’m singing some tune that I hadn’t thought of in years. And then I had an epiphany.

My epiphany came one day when I was walking into the copy room at work. I had in my head a song by a local Toronto band called Frank Atom. They were a great band but don’t bother looking up their tunes on Spotify or looking for their videos on YouTube because it’s as though they don’t exist, which is a real shame because they did exist, and they wrote some really good songs.

The song in my head that day was a catchy ditty of theirs called ‘Porn Star’. Now don’t get the wrong idea based on the title, the song actually was a sensitive portrait of a man who lived alone in his apartment and was uncomfortable with people. And, as with a lot of really good songs about loneliness and anguish, the tune itself was kind of upbeat providing a contrast between the music and the lyrics (see for example ‘I’m A Loser’ or ‘Help’ by The Beatles, but there are thousands of examples). The chorus of the song, as I recall, went something like “There’s a porn star in my pants/and he’s dying to get out.”

Now I can give you all the context for this song, but I know that if I walk into the copy room singing “There’s a porn star in my pants/and he’s dying to get out” there is no way to justify or explain things because there is no justification for walking into a copy room singing those lyrics. And that was my epiphany. I realized that if, rather than singing the lyrics to that song, I whistled them, nothing bad could happen. If someone asked me what I was whistling I’d just say “Oh a song I can’t remember the name of” and if they asked what the lyrics were I could say “I forget them. That’s why I’m whistling.”

When the members of Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room get together, we don’t do a lot of whistling. We don’t need to whistle because we play a wide array of instruments, some of which make whistling type sounds – come on down flute and tin whistle – and some that don’t. And we can explain songs that need explaining because we play in clubs where people gather to hear the songs that we’re playing (and no, we don’t have ‘Porn Star’ in our repertoire yet because it’s actually not an easy tune to play).

Speaking of playing in clubs, we will be at the Free Times Café (College just west of Spadina) on Sunday, May 21. The show starts at 8pm and since Monday is a holiday you can stay until the end of show around 11pm. We’re going to be taking the summer off from playing at the Free Times (though we may have other gigs, we’ll let you know) so you’ll want to see us now or you’ll have to wait until September 10th. And if you need yet another incentive to come to the show, in honour of spring there will be no cover.

Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. In case you were wondering, bagpipes do not sound like birds singing, they don’t even sound like crows cawing – indeed the sound of bagpipes has been found to be very effective in keeping crows away from gardens and farms, unfortunately, it also keeps the gardeners and farmers away too.

You may have heard that the federal government has decided to prohibit their staff from using TikTok. This move by the Canadian government mirrors decisions made in many other countries around the world. You may be wondering, as I was, why? What harm has TikTok wrought?

My first thought was that it was all about the songs. You see, TikTok is apparently responsible for the fact that the average length of songs, particularly singles, has dropped by almost 30 seconds over the past few years. That’s right, if you listen to pop radio you will have discovered that songs are getting shorter and shorter. No more Hey Jude, no more Stairways to Heaven, no more Fight the Powers, long songs are dead and short songs rule the airwaves and cyberspace (and I know you probably don’t trust my take on pop culture but it’s not just me who has noticed this trend, check this article from Billboard.

As it turns out however, the federal government was not at all concerned about song length when they decided to ban staff from using TikTok – which just goes to show that they have no interest in the real issues that matter to hard-working Canadians. Apparently, their concern was that TikTok, which is owned by a Chinese company, could be an agent of the Chinese government.

It’s not necessarily that China would use TikTok as a springboard to gather confidential information about Canada. What might that information even be? Why Nanaimo bars are named after a city on Vancouver Island? Why the Leafs suck decade after decade after decade? These are big questions, but somehow I don’t think China particularly cares about the answers.

Perhaps China’s interest in Canada is not so much about our secrets but rather the secrets other folks share with us. You see, Canada is a member of what are called the Five Eyes. The Five Eyes consist of the United States, Great Britain, New Zealand, Australia, and Canada, and we share a lot of information between these countries and that could be why China is interested in us.

And while we’re on the topic of the Five Eyes, can I just say that it’s a stupid name. I’m sure a bunch of “intelligence” folks came up with it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t dumb. If there are five countries wouldn’t there be ten eyes not five?

Now I realize that I’m being a bit anthropomorphic – if you can be anthropomorphic about a country – but if you hear that Canada is ignoring a threat – and that seems to be something we’re pretty good at – isn’t the allegation that Canada is keeping its eyes closed. You’ll notice that it’s “eyes” plural, no one says Canada is keeping it’s “eye” closed. So the name for this five-country thing should be the Ten Eyes, not the Five Eyes. Plus, what’s the logo for this group, five individual eyeballs, that’s just a bit creepy frankly.

And this then brings us back, as it always does, to Gordon’s Acoustic Living Room. You see, I’m kinda old school, not really, really old school, like pen and paper old school, but old school like e-mail old school. I’m not creating cute little TikToks about the band, largely because I don’t know how. But even if I bothered to learn, I get so rambly that I suspect whatever I rambled on about wouldn’t fit on a TikTok – which apparently is about 15 seconds. And one more question about TikTok – how much Tik could a TikTok Tik if a TikTok could Tok Tiks?

Anyway, back to the Living Room. We will once again be gracing the stage at the legendary Free Times Cafe (still on College just west of Spadina), on Sunday April 16th. The show will start, as it always does, at 8 pm and there will be lots of great music, good food and plenty to drink. And to celebrate the actual arrival of spring, there will be no cover.

So please join us if you can. Hope to see you there.

Jonathan

P.S. While I haven’t looked, there are probably lots of TikToks with bagpipes (and please don’t send them to me) and while that would be the bad news, the good news is that they’d all be really short.